One of the most important steps on the spiritual path is the act of forgiving others who have deeply hurt you. The act of forgiveness is not done for its own sake, or to prove that one is spiritually “worthy”. Instead, the act itself clears out emotional baggage that would otherwise make further spiritual progress more difficult, if not impossible.
It should be noted that forgiveness is not for the other person’s benefit at all. It is 100% for your own sake. From both a religious and personal perspective: the other person already has God’s forgiveness and therefore does not need yours at all.
But until you forgive, you are carrying resentment inside of yourself. This is damaging to yourself not only psychologically, but also physically. People who carry hate, resentment, and bitterness are at a higher risk for health issues including heart attacks, cancer, and strokes.
False forgiveness
“Traditionally”, the act of forgiveness involves communicating to the other person that he is forgiven for the wrongs committed against you. However, this method does not really benefit either party in any way. I therefore refer to this as “false forgiveness”.
Saying vs. Doing
First, claiming that you forgive someone and genuinely forgiving someone are two separate things. Anyone can say the other person is forgiven, but still spend the rest of his life resenting what the other person did.
Additionally, by claiming you have forgiven someone, you may be ashamed of your feelings that indicate otherwise. When this happens, there is a tendency to push these feelings into the subconscious so that you aren’t aware of them. This actually makes the situation worse, because it is impossible to effectively deal with emotions that you are not consciously aware of.
Passing Judgement
Secondly, false forgiveness includes a judgement that the other person did something wrong. Whether or not the other person feels he did something wrong is beside the point. It is never helpful to judge another person under any circumstances.
Additionally, the offender doesn’t need your forgiveness any more than he needs your permission to be less than perfect. This type of “forgiveness” is like telling someone: “I decided to forgive you for being born an imperfect human this time, but only this time and only because I’m a good person.”
Disempowerment
Another issue with false forgiveness is that it can potentially disempower the person who committed the offense. This might happen in cases where a “terrible offense” was committed, and the offender is deeply ashamed of what he did. The offender might believe forgiveness is needed before he can be at peace.
What must be kept in mind, however, is that we all have free will, and it is never a good idea to depend on the actions of another for one’s own peace of mind. If the offender is completely focused on being forgiven, he may fail to recognize that real peace of mind comes from forgiving himself. Therefore, the practice of false forgiveness potentially harms the offender as well as the “victim”.
It’s Not the Action, It’s the Reaction
One of the keys to true forgiveness involves realizing that it isn’t the other person’s actions that makes forgiveness necessary. Instead, it is our reaction to what happens that leads to the initial trouble.
For example, suppose you are driving on the highway and a person unexpectedly cuts in front of you. You could react angrily be honking your horn and yelling obscenities at the driver. Or…you could actually shrug your shoulders and wish the driver a nice day.
In the second scenario, the situation is done with: the driver cut you off, but no harm done and nothing to forgive. In the first scenario, however, you are now angry. (It’s possible that the other driver is now angry as well, but that is the other driver’s issue at this point.) And it is this negative emotional reaction to the situation that requires the healing of forgiveness. Also note that the pain from the offense is due to resenting the other person for not being perfect.
A Vicious Cycle
How you react depends a great deal on how you choose to see the world. In the example of being cut off, reacting angrily might be an indication that you think people are rude, or are always taking advantage of you. But if you had decided that the driver was in a hurry, possibly didn’t see you, or is in general a good person who is having a stressful day, you would have reacted much differently.
If we choose to see the world positively, we will tend to react positively to all types of situations. When we choose to see the world negatively, we will tend to react negatively to what happens to us. These negative reactions will lead to negative emotions, which will continue the cycle of negativity. To break this cycle, we must first learn how to forgive. This will allow us to unload the burden of negative emotions that we are carrying, and move forward in life with greater peace and ease.
Forgiving the Unforgivable
In our previous example of the “rude” driver, I mentioned that there was “no harm done”, so nothing to forgive. But what happens in cases when there most certainly is harm done. For example, what about a case of sexual assault or rape?
In sexual assault, a victim’s body is physically violated against her will. The experience is emotionally traumatic, and negatively affects the victim psychologically. For example, the victim may find herself having trouble maintaining healthy boundaries, difficulties in trusting and being intimate with a partner, and using her sexuality in an aggressive and unhealthy manner.
Note then that although the victim isn’t responsible for the assault, the resulting trauma often has a very negative and long-lasting effect on her life in general.
Digging Deep into the Wound
Forgiveness is the key to healing the trauma, but let’s dive deeper into what this means in the particular situation. On the surface, there is the hurt caused by attacker who committed the assault. But underneath the pain caused by the attacker lies much more.
A person who has been sexually assaulted understandably also holds a grudge against God himself. I.e., just how could God allow such a thing to happen? (Seriously, this is a legitimate question. And in general, part of one’s spiritual path involves coming to peace with God over such experiences).
Even further down, we will most likely find another layer of resentment: hatred against oneself. Many people recognize the tendency of the victim to blame herself in the attack, but few seem to actually understand why. This is partly because the victim herself doesn’t consciously understand.
Tragically, what has happened is that the victim has rationalized why God allowed her to be attacked. The explanation is that she was attacked because she was a “bad person”. And since this is an idea that is simply too painful to think about, it is quickly buried in the subconscious mind. Instead, the victim is only conscious of the fact that she is ashamed of herself without being able to pinpoint exactly why.
Healing the Hate
For healing of a sexual assault to occur, it must be understood that all the hurt/hatred is interconnected and cannot be tackled independently. I.e., the pain caused by the attacker, the hatred against God, and the hatred of self our all the same. It isn’t possible to forgive the attacker and not forgive God. Or forgive oneself and not forgive the attacker.
Additionally, the act of forgiveness is not for the purpose of healing God, or healing the attacker, but for healing the self. All the hate and shame caused by the sexual assault are literally carried by the victim until forgiveness is accomplished.
True Forgiveness
The act of true forgiveness happens within. It is a “change of heart”, so to speak. If you still feel pain when re-living the memory of the offense, then you have not reached complete forgiveness. But don’t beat yourself up about this: if forgiveness was easy, you would have done it already!
Also, I don’t think that manner in which you reached forgiveness in one scenario will work exactly the same for others. It is less about the method, and more about the result. Below, I’ve listed strategies that can help in reaching true forgiveness. But just note that some experiences will be much harder to heal than others, so just be patient and gentle with yourself.
Ways to Find Forgiveness
1) Seek Professional help
If you are dealing with a particularly traumatic experience, find a professional who can help support you. (As an alternative, a support group might also be very helpful depending on the situation.) Just note that it is not the job of the professional to “fix your problems”; it is your job. The professional is there to help guide you through the process.
2) Experience and Release the Pain
Allow yourself to fully experience all the emotional pain. In situations where someone has deeply hurt you, don’t keep anything inside. As you experience the pain, you should have the intention of letting it go. You can do this mentally by saying “I release the sadness that I’m feeling now”. Another way is to “breathe” it out. (Deep breathing relaxes the body which helps release emotions. A tense body, on the other hand, prevents emotions from being let go.) If you are someone who can feel emotions energetically, you can track the emotions as they rise up and clear out of your body.
Note: there are various creative and therapeutic methods that can help in releasing the pain. For instance, you could write a letter detailing all the emotions you feel, and then burn it. You could create a painting or drawing that shows your pain. You can release your anger by hitting a tennis racket or towel against a mattress. Don’t be afraid to be creative; just keep it safe and don’t do anything that could potentially hurt you or another person.
3) Ask a Higher Source for Help
The act of forgiveness is extremely powerful, and also extremely difficult to do successfully. If you are finding the process extremely difficult, ask the angels or God (or whatever higher power you are comfortable working with) to help you in releasing the resentment and pain.
4) Don’t Give Up
You may spend a whole afternoon praying for help and releasing emotions, and the next day you realize the resentment is still there. Initially, it may feel like defeat, but it’s actually just the opposite. The fact that you recognized that “the job isn’t done” is a small victory in itself. Acknowledge the pain and continue the process of releasing it.
5) Be Aware of Your Heart Space
When you are in need of forgiving another person, it can often be felt in your heart area. As you work on forgiveness, pay attention to how the heart feels. Is there sadness, tenseness, anger? As you are releasing the pain, you can sometimes feel a shift when the emotions begin to be released. A release can sometimes bring about a sense of relief, which is a very pleasant experience.
Setting Yourself Free
I recently had a client who released a lot of repressed emotions. She commented to me: “You know, I haven’t lost any weight, but it feels like I lost a lot of weight!” This is the amazing thing about repressed emotions: even though you cannot see them, they can still literally drag you down. Without forgiveness, we carry hate and resentment and anger with us everywhere we go. Forgiveness therefore is literally the key to setting ourselves free.