Romantic relationships are very rewarding, but at times they can also be very challenging. Even when trying our hardest, it sometimes feels like the relationship just isn’t working. This is often the result of making one or more common mistakes. The following is a list of 10 tips for avoiding those mistakes in order to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships.
1. Don’t try to change your partner. Trying to change your partner means you can’t accept that your partner as they truly are. Forcing somebody to be who they are not will lead to resentment, and the eventual breakdown of the relationship. Instead, focus on building self-love for the imperfect you. The more you can accept your own self with all of your imperfections, the more you are capable of loving your imperfect partner.
2. Don’t get “lost in a relationship.” Some people change their thinking, behavior, and friends depending on who they are with. This is a result of not having healthy boundaries. The opposite is being true to yourself while in a relationship. Don’t give up who you are because you think the relationship demands it. If you can’t be yourself in the relationship, then the relationship is not healthy.
3. Don’t take things personally. If your partner forgets your birthday, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they forgot. If your partner gets angry at you, it’s not because of what you did. It’s because your partner has a wounded inner child, and your actions triggered that wound and brought it up into their awareness. This is one of the benefits of a relationship: to reflect back to each other the subconscious parts of self that long to be healed.
4. Use healthy communication to avoid conflicts. When one partner gets angry, the other partner usually feels attacked (i.e., takes it personally). This partner will then either counterattack or shut down and won’t communicate. When something is bothering you, the communication should be something like “I just want you to know that when you did _____, I felt like _____. I don’t need a response; I just wanted you to know because we are in a relationship and I want to be open and honest with you.” Being vulnerable leads to intimacy. Being defensive destroys an intimate relationship.
5. Don’t try to “fix” things. When one person is being vulnerable by communicating how they feel, some people want to immediately solve the problem at the mental level. But there is nothing that needs to be done. The act of communicating one’s feelings and being truly heard is what was needed. This will help process and release the emotions. If your partner wants something, let them ask for it. By offering solutions yourself, your partner feels that they are not being heard.
6. Be authentic in communication. When your partner is being vulnerable, don’t respond with what you think is appropriate. For example, some people respond with something like “What I hear you saying is ____.” People who do this are in their heads; a deep connection cannot be made here. Authentic communication is from the heart level. You look into their eyes, recognize their pain, and allow them to speak. Once they are finished, respond from your heart (if a response is necessary) and be vulnerable in return. Don’t think about an appropriate response. Let it come from your heart.
7. Don’t use your partner as an emotional dumping ground. If you had a particularly bad day, then you it’s fine to share how it made you feel with your partner. But – for example – if you have a job that you really hate, it is not your right to come home every day and unload all your frustration on your partner. If you don’t like a job/situation/whatever, then make appropriate changes. If necessary, ask your partner for support.
8. Maintain a healthy balance of giving and receiving. In a relationship, many people don’t ensure that their own needs are met. Instead, they think that love means sacrificing for their partner, but this isn’t true at all. Not taking care of one’s own needs is a form of self-abuse. It will lead to resentment, burnout, and the eventual end of the relationship.
9. Always communicate your needs to your partner. It’s common for a partner to think “If he loved me, then I shouldn’t have to ask.” This is a mistake. You and your partner have different needs, and your partner cannot read your mind. It is your responsibility to establish healthy communication that will ensure your needs are met.
10. Don’t use your partner to “complete you.” This will lead to codependence. A successful relationship is one in which both partners work on balancing themselves so they don’t have any psychological agendas for being with each other. Intimate relationships without agendas are heathy and joyful. Common examples of using partners:
- A person who is lacking self-worth spends all their energy on their partner’s needs as a way of validating their own self-worth.
- A person who is afraid to step into their own personal power uses their partner’s success to compensate for their own lack of success.
- A person who is afraid of intimate contact uses sex with their partner as a proxy for true intimate contact. (Note: sex is an intimate act if both partners are open at the heart level and there are no hidden, selfish agendas. As with all pleasurable activities, sex can be used as an “escape.”)
The honeymoon period: when a relationship is new, it can be very exciting. This excitement is a result of being with someone who is so different from you, and there is this sense of “exploring the unknown.” As you and your partner become accustomed to each other, the excitement of the relationship will wear off. At this point, the health of the relationship will depend on how much you are using each other vs. unconditionally loving each other and yourselves.
Ending a relationship doesn’t mean you have failed. It usually is an indication that one of the partners has matured and realizes that the relationship does not truly meet their needs. This is progress.
Photo by Candice Picard