One of the more “controversial” ideas of spirituality is the concept that thoughts create a person’s reality. Some people refuse to believe that this could be possible, while others claim that this concept “blames the victim.” In this article, we will explore – from a psychological perspective – how our thoughts do in fact create our reality and what we can do about it.
Blaming the Victim
The elephant in the room regarding this topic is the idea we are also responsible for everything bad that happens to us, and thus we are to blame for it. For example, if we create our own reality then the rape victim must be responsible for their own rape, or a child is somehow responsible for being physically abused. But this is not the case because the actual events in our lives are not truly how we perceive reality. Instead, it is our mental and emotional reactions to these events that shape our reality.
Let’s look at an example to understand this concept better. Suppose for a moment that you are dating an extremely loving individual, but you do not believe that you are worthy of being loved. In this situation, when your partner expresses their love to you, it will not be perceived as love. You will be thinking: why is this person behaving this way? What does my partner want from me? Instead of allowing yourself to be loved, you will be repulsed by this individual and likely break up with them.
Victim Consciousness
When we perceive that something “bad” has happened to us, it is our thoughts about ourselves and the world that will create our version of reality. In the extreme example of a rape victim, an average individual (who struggles with self-esteem) could easily become convinced that they deserved to be raped (although this is often at the subconscious level). The false belief that they deserved what happened to them is called “victim consciousness.”
In contrast, a rape “victim” who has a strong sense of self-worth and truly loves who they are would look at the situation differently. Such an individual might recognize the unhealthy mental state of the perpetrator. She might treat the experience as a chance to rise above adversity, learn forgiveness at a deeper level, and transform into a stronger and more loving person. This individual may or may not choose to see herself as a victim in this situation, and might decide to believe that all experiences – even the most painful ones – ultimately happen for a divine purpose.
In summary, it is not what happens to us that makes us victims. Instead, it is how we react to situations (both consciously and subconsciously) that determines whether or not we will define ourselves as victims.
Laws of Attraction
In spirituality, there are concepts regarding energy and attraction that could be used to explain why a person with low self-esteem is more likely to become a victim of rape or sexual assault. But it must be kept in mind that this does not create the event. Instead, these laws of attraction create the possibility of the event. Regardless of the possibility, a potential perpetrator is still responsible for their actions.
Note that these laws of attraction are part of psychology, not just spirituality. For example, there are psychological models which explain why people are sexually attracted to certain individuals. This does not mean that these individuals will date each other, but it opens up the possibility of dating to occur.
Using the same principle, we can be aware of the fact that victims of abuse psychologically open themselves up to the possibility of abuse and attract the perpetrators to them. This does not justify the actions of the perpetrators nor suggest that the victim is responsible for the perpetrator’s actions. However, it does open up the possibility for teaching people how they can stop attracting what they don’t want and start attracting what they do want to occur in their lives.
Empowerment vs. Victim Consciousness
People who think that they are victims of their lives and the world have no sense of personal power. They feel helpless, frustrated, and depressed. There is this sense that “the game is rigged” and everybody loses.
In contrast, people who realize that thoughts shape reality open themselves up to a sense of empowerment. We no longer have to be victims of the world because we can choose to see a world in which everyone is searching for love, but many are looking for love incorrectly. Instead of condemning those people who make mistakes and thinking ourselves as their victims, we can think of ourselves as examples and way showers for others to follow.
But before we can reach this stage of reality, we have to make peace with our current situations. It can be a revelation to realize that we have control over our lives, but this can immediately lead us to feeling shame over knowing that we are responsible for our life situation and past failures. But this type of thinking is simply another simply another ego trap that is well worth escaping as soon as possible. To accomplish this, it is vital to learn self-love and self-forgiveness in order to empower oneself and reshape one’s reality.
Changing our Thoughts via Beliefs
How we think about the world cannot be changed overnight because they are based on our belief systems. These beliefs were created as a way of making sense of a world that we didn’t understand. The result was that we decided (for example) that the world wasn’t safe, our parents didn’t love us, it is dangerous to speak up for ourselves, we can never get what we want, etc.
Many people make the mistake of changing attempting to change their thought patterns (via affirmations) without changing their beliefs. Since beliefs determine our thoughts, this is rarely an effective technique. For example, you can say that you love yourself a thousand times, but if you don’t believe this statement, it will have little effect. This is why it is often ineffective to tell a victim of abuse that it is not their fault: as long as the victim believes that they are unworthy, they will continue to think they are at fault.
The good news is that – even though it will take time – our beliefs can be changed. False beliefs are like bad habits, which can be “overridden” by forming good habits. Likewise, the key to reshaping our reality is to replace false, negative beliefs with true, loving beliefs. The first step is to create loving beliefs about ourselves.
Reshaping Beliefs about Ourselves
From a practical perspective, the difference between thoughts and beliefs is how we feel about them. For example, we can say/think that getting turned down for a job promotion was “no big deal,” but how do we really feel about it? It’s likely that inside this was a big deal to you, and what you feel (i.e. believe) is much more important than what you say.
The following is an exercise that you can do to reshape beliefs about yourself:
Step one: Preparation
Write down several positive vs. negative beliefs about yourself. For example:
- I deserve to be happy vs. I am unworthy of happiness
- I absolutely love myself vs I don’t like myself / I hate myself
- I am thankful to be who I am vs I am ashamed of who I am
Step two: Analysis
In front of a mirror, read these statements to yourself. Note how you feel about each statement. (I.e., is it a positive feeling or a negative feeling?)
Note: try not to let your expectations of how you think you should feel about a statement interfere with determining how you really feel. Instead, try to sincerely feel into the emotions that come up for you.
Step three: Interpreting the Results
When you have negative beliefs about yourself, you will likely have resistance to saying the positive statements. In contrast, you will feel good when saying the positive statements if you have positive beliefs about yourself, but you won’t have feel bad about the negative statements because you don’t believe them. Instead, you will only feel bad when saying the negative statements if you have negative beliefs about yourself (because you belief that those statements are true).
Step four: Heart Opening Practice
Negative beliefs are formed by shutting down our hearts (a protection technique) and not allowing ourselves to love of be loved. Replacing negative beliefs with positive beliefs starts by learning to open up our hearts to being capable of love again. If we don’t open our hearts, we will not be able to truly love ourselves or others.
The technique: close your eyes and visualize yourself embracing someone who you love dearly (either real or imaginary). I highly recommend that this person be a small, huggable child. But if you do not like children, it can be a lover (including the person of your dreams if you are not in a relationship). If you like animals, then a pet is another option. Use whatever it takes in order for you to start creating a feeling of irresistible love in your heart.
Practice doing this heart opening exercise on a regular basis. The more that you practice it, the more you will realize that opening yourself up to love is a choice. Eventually, you will be able to use this practice as a coping technique for stressful situations. (For example, you can use this technique when someone is shouting at you, or you get stuck in a traffic jam).
Step five: Overriding False Beliefs with Loving, Healthy Beliefs
To override false beliefs, regularly repeat affirmations with an open heart. It is the loving energy from an open heart that will allow you to replace false beliefs with true and loving beliefs. Initially, you may want to schedule a specific time each day for this practice. But as time goes on, you want to gradually incorporate this practice as a normal part of your daily life. At regular intervals throughout the day, take a few minutes to quiet yourself and reinforce your healthy beliefs.