The following are answers to commonly-asked questions regarding intimate relationships.
How to Revive the Spark?
Question:
The spark has been lost in my relationship. How do I get it back?
Answer:
In general, human sexual attraction initially occurs between two individuals who are both exhibiting traits that the other does not seem to possess. Getting together with “the opposite” will seem exciting simply because the relationship is new and your partner’s personality is different from your own. But after a while, you will realize that your partner exhibits the same patterns of behavior all the time, which really isn’t that interesting. At this stage, the excitement or spark of the relationship will fade away.
Note that some people fall into the trap of endlessly pursuing new relationships, and then dropping them as soon as they become dull. Such a strategy is little different than a person who endlessly pursues material possessions and pleasure. The satisfaction that results from a new possession or a new relationship is only temporary. Therefore, the answer is not about continually acquiring something new, but maintaining the spark in our relationships with what we already have.
The reasons that a relationship becomes boring is not because you now know everything there is to know about your partner, but because you believe you know everything. In reality, we rarely truly know our partners; instead, our relationships stay at a rather superficial level. Maintaining the spark of the relationship is possible when we continue to be completely honest and with our partners by fully sharing details about ourselves that we would rather not have anyone else know. This requires us to be extremely vulnerable, yet this vulnerability is true intimacy and the key to maintaining that spark.
In a typical relationship, the partner will eventually start to trigger negative emotions via their (already familiar) patterns of behavior. The partner is not the cause of these emotions; they simply trigger what is already there. But most people don’t realize this; instead, they feel the negative emotions being triggered and think that their partners’ behavior is a personal attack. Once this occurs repeatedly, psychological defenses will go up and true intimacy is no longer possible.
The emotions that get triggered are the baggage that we’ve carried with us from past trauma and painful experiences that we have decided to ignore instead of heal. Until we go back and allow these emotions to be expressed and released, they will continue to be triggered, and they will also continue to attract us into familiar unhealthy patterns until they are dealt with. To find the emotions that need healing, explore the emotions that get triggered and contemplate their original source.
My Girlfriend is Lying to Me
Question:
My girlfriend becomes defensive and lies to me when I try to talk to her about my feelings. I really dislike being lied to. What can I do about her behavior?
Answer:
It is likely that your girlfriend has issues with fear of abandonment or rejection. Unfortunately, such fears often result in people sabotaging their relationships.
For example, she may tell lies because she is afraid you will get angry and reject her if she were to tell you the truth. Additionally, she becomes defensive because she is not mature enough to listen to what you are telling her without turning it into a personal attack.
In general, it is not your role to heal your girlfriend. It’s her responsibility to decide whether or not she wants to work on her issues, and your job is simply to be supportive of her regardless of what she does.
In the meantime, it would be very helpful for you to use this relationship to understand your own issues better. When relationships aren’t working, is very easy to place full blame on the partner. However, an unhealthy relationship is due to both partners being unbalanced in opposite directions. (The classic scenario is a co-dependent person who is in a relationship with a person who is afraid of commitment.)
In the current scenario, you have anxiety related to being lied to. It would be helpful to explore where these emotions are coming from because they are affecting the way that you communicate with your girlfriend. If you work on understanding the source of the emotions that your girlfriend is triggering, you can potentially make the relationship stronger, or help to bring it to its natural conclusion.
Being my Partner’s Therapist
Question:
My partner struggles with mental health issues but cannot afford therapy. Therefore, I am helping my partner as his therapist but it’s not working. Why is this?
Answer:
It is not possible for a romantic partner to also play the role of a therapist, as there is an unhealthy conflict of interest. A partner’s role is to accept and love a person as they are in the moment, while the therapist’s job is to help them change unhealthy patterns of behavior. When a partner switches to the role of a therapist, unconditional love and support for their respective partner is no longer possible.
People who habitually try to “help” their partners as their therapists fall into this pattern as a way of validating their own self-worth. The irony here is that if partner needing help were to improve and get better, the relationship would soon fall apart as the “therapist partner” would no longer be able to use the relationship for validation. The solution is for the “therapist partner” to work on their own issues with self-esteem instead of compensating for a lack of self-esteem via validation.
Changing my Appearance to Please my Partner
Question:
My partner wants me to change the way that I look. What should I do?
Answer:
Your partner doesn’t have the right to dictate what you wear or how you look. What your partner is doing is saying: I don’t accept you for who you are, and I want you to be somebody else for my benefit. In any relationship, it is important to be who you are, and if your partner cannot accept the real you, then this relationship is not going to work out.
We are no Longer on the Same “Level”
Question:
I have been working on myself spiritually, but my partner refuses to change. What do I do?
Answer:
It is quite common for somebody who has an “awakening” to change themselves and then immediately judge others for being the type of person that they had previously been. It’s important to recognize that each person is on their own path with their own timing: we don’t all develop at the same time and the same pace.
You cannot motivate their partner to “grow up;” it will happen when they are ready. If you push them before they are ready, they are likely to resist you. So if you wish to stay in the relationship, you must continue to accept your partner as they are right now, and not who you want your partner to be.
Some people believe that a less-developed partner is “holding them back,” but this view is shortsighted. Each type of relationship offers opportunities for growth. If you are the “more developed” partner, you can learn many things such as patience and being a “silent example” for others. If you are equals, you will support each other. And if you are the less developed partner, you will have your own unique opportunities for growth.
My Partner is not Spiritual
Question:
When I explain to my boyfriend that criticizing other people lowers his vibration, he tells me to stop being condescending. How do I get him to understand spiritual concepts?
Answer:
Since your husband is not a spiritual person, there is no reason why he should comprehend (or try to comprehend) spiritual concepts. If you want to discuss spiritual topics, find a spiritual person to talk with.
Spirituality is not about telling other people to live. It’s about practicing how to live, which will then set an example for others. When you criticize your husband for his behavior, you show the same intolerance that he is displaying. This is your chance to learn to accept other people as they are, and cultivate respect for the fact that each of us is on our own path.
My Partner’s Porn Addiction
Question:
I just found out my boyfriend has a porn and cam girl addiction and I feel very hurt and betrayed. What should I do?
Answer:
Generally speaking, any type of sexual addiction (including porn addiction) is a result of a personal issue that was present prior to the start of the relationship. A typical scenario is a person who is afraid of intimacy (due to past experiences) and thus turns to casual sex or porn as a way of fulfilling sexual needs without the risks that intimacy entails.
It is up to the partner with the addiction to decide if and how to treat the addiction. If you insist on treatment against your partner’s will, it is less likely that the treatment will be effective. Your job is to discuss what the boyfriend plans to do about the addiction (if anything), and then decide if that works for you.
In the meantime, any emotions of betrayal, inadequacy, or similar will need to be dealt with, or they will affect the current and any future relationships. These emotions are something that was triggered from past experiences, and they will continue to be an issue in your life until you are able to find the source of the emotions and heal the initial experience that created them.
My Boyfriend is no Longer Making an Effort
Question:
My boyfriend no longer makes an effort to do all the nice things he once did. How do I get him to start making an effort again?
Answer:
A healthy relationship occurs between two people who take care of their own needs and share their lives and love with each other. It is not your partners responsibility (nor their job description) to take care of your needs and make you happy.
Any time somebody says: “if he really loved me, he would…” it’s a huge red flag. Demanding your “needs” to be met is not love, it’s a business arrangement.
What you are dealing with is an addiction to validation. This is by-product of thinking your self-worth depends on the opinions and actions of others. As long as you are unable to recognize your own self-worth, you will be co-dependent on others, and a healthy relationship will not be possible.
My Wife was Faking Orgasms
Question:
My wife admitted that she has been faking orgasms for years. How can I ever trust her again when she lied to my face during our most intimate moments?
Answer:
This is not an issue of your wife purposely deceiving you for her benefit, as her needs were not being fulfilled either. So let’s consider the motivation behind her actions.
For every action, there are two motivations: a selfish one and an altruistic one. Usually, we have a split motivation for our actions. In the current example: when a husband wishes to bring his wife to orgasm during sex, the altruistic motivation is to give her pleasure. Yet potentially there is also the selfish motivation of proving to himself that he is a good lover. If the second motivation is the most dominant, then the man’s desire for his wife to have an orgasm is really about building his own ego.
Usually a woman can easily tell what the motivation is for her partner wanting her to climax. And when the motivation is selfish, it puts pressure on the woman, making it harder for her to actually achieve an orgasm. Since she realizes that her orgasm is for her partner’s benefit rather than her own, the easiest way out of this awkward situation is to simply fake an orgasm.
If you were to have a conversation with your wife and have her explain why she felt the need to fake an orgasm, you might discover a wounded girl that was too afraid to ask for her needs to be met for fear of rejection. The fact that she was finally able to be honest with you shows courage on her part, which was a result of positive self-development. What you must now deal with are feelings of betrayal, which are not truly caused by her actions. Instead, they are caused by the fact that you were using you wife’s orgasms for your own benefit. If you were genuinely concerned about your wife and her pleasure, you would feel more empathy for her situation instead of reacting with feelings of betrayal.
Are Polyamorous Relationships “More Spiritual?”
Question:
Is a polyamorous relationship a “more spiritual” form of a romantic relationship?
Answer:
The spiritual purpose of romantic and sexual relationships is ultimately about helping a person establish an intimate relationship with themselves. In other words, the spiritual path is ultimately about “knowing thyself,” and relationships can be an extremely useful tool in this regard if used appropriately. The more we know ourselves, the more intimate our relationships with our partners will be, and vice versa.
Typically, a polyamorous relationship is used to avoid getting “too close” with any one person. Therefore, a polyamorous relationship could potentially be useful for people who are not yet ready for the intimacy that a monogamous relationship can provide. Even if it is possible for deep intimacy within a polyamorous relationship, this type of relationship is not necessary for one’s spiritual path as a monogamous relationship fully provides everything that a spiritual seeker needs for self-discovery.
Is Celibacy Necessary for Enlightenment?
Question:
I’m interested in enlightenment, but I am having trouble controlling my sexual urges and transmuting my sexual energy. How do I do this?
Answer:
Practicing celibacy for the sake of the spiritual path is going about the process backwards, and thus can lead to undesired, compulsive sexual behavior. In short, becoming celibate is comparable to going on a crash diet instead of practicing healthy eating habits.
The safe route is to concentrate on raising the body’s vibrations, which will then lead to a balance of sexual energy and a decrease of sexual tension. As you raise your vibrations, you will be less controlled by sexual cravings.
Sexual energy is creative energy. By opening your heart, you bring the energy from the lower chakras to the higher so that it can be used for spiritual or creative purposes. Raising vibrations is done by cultivating love for self and others. Consider how you feel when holding a small child in your arms. This is loving energy. Your vibration rises when you cultivate this loving energy at all times… It can be done consciously anytime you desire.