The actual cause of depression is something that the medical community still does not understand very well, in part because the medical community in general tries to find the cause in the physical body. In contrast: in holistic medicine it is well understood that physical and mental health problems are often the result of deeper issues on the emotional and spiritual levels. This means that while depression can be treated using medication, it is necessary to get to the root of the problem in order to completely heal.
Although depression is a significant mental health issue that affects an increasingly greater number of people every year, the root cause of depression is actually not complicated. In this article, I will explain how depression occurs in a way that is quite easy to understand.
Stages of Depression
First, please keep in mind that there are different experiences that are grouped under depression:
Stage 1 depression: A feeling of lifelessness. Life seems rather dull, and there is no motivation to do anything in particular or work towards any type of goal.
Stage 2 depression, also referred to as a “major depressive episode. This is almost the opposite of stage 1: there is an overwhelming experience of negative emotions that is so painful that many people become suicidal. When stage 2 occurs, the person might be sent to the hospital and/or drugged with “happy pills.”
The Relationship Connection
To easily understand how depression occurs in the first place, I am going to discuss a topic that initially seems totally unrelated but isn’t, and that is: RELATIONSHIPS. By explaining in simple terms why relationships go wrong, I can explain how depression occurs. This is because a relationship with a partner is analogous to a relationship with life itself. And our relationship with life is the key to understanding how depression occurs.
The One-Question Relationship Quiz
Relationships with a partner can be classified as healthy or unhealthy. When they are unhealthy, they do not work and eventually fall apart. Although it can be complicated to figure out the health of a relationship, I’ve discovered a way to make this determination based on one simple question.
But first, I want to point out that there is ALMOST no such thing as a healthy relationship. Instead, relationship health is on a scale that goes from “completely abusive” on one end to “could use a little improvement” at the other end.
With that in mind, here is the one question that you need to ask to determine the health of a relationship:
Is your relationship a business agreement?
But again, since the health of relationships is really on a scale, it’s more helpful to ask the question:
To what extent is your relationship a business agreement?
In other words: how much of your relationship is a “give and take” where you think or say: “if I do this for you, then you are obligated to this for me.”
Business Agreement Examples
Here are some common examples of business agreements:
Love language. This term was coined by Dr. Gary Chapman in a book he published in 1992. The idea is that people have certain requirements in order to feel loved. Unfortunately, this concept is not healthy: it’s a business agreement that states “if you do this for me, then I will love you more.”
Establishing boundaries and dealbreakers. The agreement here is that “if you dare do this to me, I will love you less.”
Other examples include:
- “If you lose weight, I’ll love you more.”
- “If you get a good job, I’ll love you more.”
- “If you don’t change back, I’ll love you less.”
- “If you continue to change, I’ll love you less.”
- “If you don’t unfriend your ex, I’ll love you less.”
- “If you change your appearance, I’ll love you more.”
- “If you are not nice to my mother, I will love you less.”
- “If I do this for you, you must love me more.”
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
In unhealthy relationships, you falsely believe that you need a “perfect” partner in order to be happy. As a result, you try to force your partner to be your fantasy of who you think they should be, falsely believing that this will improve the relationship and increase your happiness.
In healthy relationships, you realize that your happiness does not depend on your partner. Given this realization, you are free to share and enjoy your life with your imperfect partner.
To summarize:
Unhealthy relationship:
Demanding that your partner be “perfect” (i.e. change/improve themselves)
Healthy Relationship:
Sharing your life with an imperfect partner
“Improving” Your Partner
Many people don’t realize that these “business agreement” type of relationships are unhealthy. Instead, they are under the false impression that relationships are supposed to be a “give and take.” So, let’s explore why this is this so unhealthy.
Every business agreement is actually a demand to force your partner to change who they are. Most people are at least aware of the concept that changing another person is impossible, yet most people attempt to change their partners anyway. This is because – in their minds – what they are asking is for their partners to “improve” themselves under the false belief that this is actually good for the relationship. But it’s not.
Your partner is who they are. If you ask them to change their behavior, this change will only be temporarily because it takes effort for a person to be different than who they are. After a while, it will become too exhausting and your partner will start to resent having to make the effort. Then your parter will “stop trying,” which will cause you to accuse them of “changing” and at this point, the relationship will end. Note that even after the relationship is effectively over, many people will continue to physically live together for various reasons.
Relationship with Life
So how does any of this relate to depression? The answer is that depression occurs as a result of trying to make business contract with life itself.
In other words, you think to yourself: “I’m going to spend all my effort to be perfect, and in return life has to reward me. That’s the deal.”
So, we attempt to become the perfect spouse and the perfect employee, and the perfect son or daughter. We do everything we are “supposed” to do to fulfill our end of the bargain. But life doesn’t keep it’s end of the bargain: it doesn’t give us what we asked for in return. And this hurts.
So, we try harder, and life fails us again. We end up with a soul-crushing job and a bad relationship and another bad relationship, and then we say: “Enough! I’m not going to be hurt by life again.”
The Road to Stage 1 Depression
In order to not get hurt by life again, we decide to ignore the pain. And there are so many ways to ignore the pain. There is compulsive eating and watching TV and doomscrolling social media and much, much more. We have plenty of options to allow us ignore the pain we are in.
But this leads to a new problem. The more we ignore the pain, the less we are able to enjoy life. In fact, life starts to feel purposeless, and nothing is exciting or fun anymore.
This is stage 1 depression. The reason life feels dull has to do with the fact that we live in a duality. In order to see light, we must have contrast, which is the dark. So, in order to feel happy, we have to allow ourselves to feel sad. Thus, when we refuse to feel pain and sadness, we can no longer feel happiness and joy.
The Emotional Dam Bursts
In the meantime, we think we’ve solved the pain problem by hiding from it. But common sense tells us that ignoring the problem does not make it go away. When we don’t allow pain to be fully experienced, it ends up getting trapped inside of us. And then the pain builds up and builds up and builds up…and I think you can guess what is going to happen next.
It’s helpful to visualize pain as water in a reservoir behind a dam. As long as the flood gates are open (i.e. you allow yourself to feel the pain) then everything is fine. But if you close the gates (i.e. don’t allow yourself to feel the pain), then the water keeps building up until it reaches dangerously high levels, and eventually the dam bursts. At this point, all of the pain and negative emotions come rushing out.
Usually, there is a trigger that breaks the dam. For example: a divorce, or the loss of a job, or perhaps the loss of a loved one. In any case: when the dam breaks, the emotions are completely overwhelming and now we are in Stage 2 depression, which is a major depressive episode.
Just like an actual dam break, Stage 2 depression is a very dangerous situation to be in. This is because some people – especially those who like to be in control – think they have only one option available. They basically say: “That’s it, I did everything I could do, and life broke the contract. Well, I finished with life; I’m ending the contract. Life’s over.”
The New Relationship with Life
But there is a second option, although it can be a bit scary to take this route, at least initially. And that option is to realize that life isn’t going to be perfect, and then to trust that this is OK and that everything will still work out anyway. Once that happens, a new and healthy relationship with life is created, and it’s now possible to enjoy life because you are no longer criticizing it and trying to change it.